If you've never struggled with money, this is probably not the post for you.
For those of you who have, this is likely to resonate. I'm exhausted of living paycheck to paycheck, and it still not being enough. My partner has a great, government job. He makes excellent money, for just getting out of college and being in the position only three years. Yet, it never seems to help. We've cut back, cutting out cable, paying off our additional financing cards, and limiting what we purchase and how often we go out to eat. Actually, eliminating eating outside the house is probably our biggest hemmorhage. Sure, it may only be five or ten dollars here and there - but now that we have our daughter, it's a minimum of twenty dollars for all of us to eat. I refuse to give her fast food, in hopes to avoid a predisposition to that junk - and avoid childhood obesity as well as the plethora of disease accompanying it.
We're now at the point of trying to save money on groceries. Counting every single item, seeing if they have generic comparisons. Is it too much to want food that is healthy, not overly processed, without tons of different chemicals and preservatives? I simply want to look at the label, recognize what everything is, and feed that to my kid. I don't enforce vegan eating on her - that's simply the way she's always leaned towards. She throws meat off her plate in exchange for veggies, fruits, and grains. The awesome companies I am favorable of, rarely send out decent coupons. I'm talking about Ella's Kitchen, Annie's, any "crunchy", doesn't test on animals, non-gmo brand.
Not to mention the price of produce (which I mentioned in this post), fruits, vegetables, herbs are all ungodly expensive. I've traded in buying organic and local, just to get a wide variety at a decent price, that we can actually afford. This isn't the way that I want to live, I want to give our daughter the best that I can. As she gets older, she's going to eat more (naturally), and our grocery bill is going to skyrocket. I can't even imagine adding another child right now, as much as we'd love to. I refuse to accept food stamps or WIC (Women Infant Children), probably out of pride, but more so because I know the quality of food that the government is paying for.
What on earth are we going to do when it comes to sending her to school? I have my heart set, currently, on sending her to a Montessori school. Not because I think less of homeschooling or unschooling, I just don't feel equipped to provide her with the education she deserves. How on earth are we going to avoid that? Hell, I just watched, "Waiting for 'Superman'". The state of most public schools is deplorable (although to be fair, I went to an awesome public school, non-charter system, and was accepted to both Harvard and Yale). Private schools are expensive, regardless of where you live, if you even have access to them - which we don't currently.
I pinch pennies, live off coupons. We're working on cutting out all snacking in the house - which is frustrating, but also a learning experience. It's giving me the opportunity to make more of the food at home, from scratch (which is how I prefer to cook). I just don't know where else to give, there's no flex. We have mandatory bills, mortgage, car payment, insurance, groceries, utilties, student loans, and our cell phones. We're wittling down any credit cards we have, and won't use them in the future, but I still fee like we're drowning.
It puts an incredible strain on our marriage. I've brought up the idea of getting a job, on several occasions, because my doula and midwifery clients are inconsistent and not a guaranteed payment (since I work with so many low-income families, I often offer services for free or reduced fee). This prospect is unrealistic, as any job I would get would have to be part-time. Otherwise, we'd have to pay for someone to watch her - and I'm extremely untrusting of any people, outside of myself and her father, watching her. With the limited number of hours I would be able to take my entire paycheck would go solely to gas for the car as there aren't any job opportunities where we live.
Where do we go from here? If you live frugally, what have you cut out - or - what are you doing to live most minimally? We already use cloth diapers, we follow baby led eating so that there aren't additional products to buy on a regular basis, we buy our clothes (usually) at consignment and thrift stores, or I sew them. We'll be gardening this spring, summer, and fall - so that should cut back on the number of produce items we need to buy. Currently, our town ordinances prevent us from having chickens (for eggs and meat) or any other farm animals. I'm learning to can, already make my own applesauce (in large batches), cook 90% of our meals from basic/scratch ingredients. Where could I cut back? Food is a necessity, having shelter is as well.
I'd love to hear all of your suggestions! Link me to your blog, a website, mailing list, whatever it has tips and tricks on living frugally. Let's hope we make it out alive.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Applying
Two blog posts in one day? I'm fairly impressed with myself, haha.
I wanted to announce that I've decided to apply for the degree program at Union Institute & University. The focus is on maternal/child health - lactation consultation and education. What does this mean? That if I'm accepted, I'll be working towards a bachelors degree which will ultimately allow me to sit for the IBCLC (Internationally Board Certified Lactation Consultant) examination! Anyone who knows me, is fully aware that this is a big deal - I have an unwavering passion for breastfeeding and supporting breastfeeding Mamas. While I struggled with breastfeeding, I saw several IBCLCs, my experiences weren't positive - and completely disheartening. Not only am I determined to be at the top of my class (here comes miss narcissism) , but I'd like to pass the IBCLCE and focus in women with diagnosed cases of Insufficient Glandular Tissue.
What does this mean for my midwifery education? I've been doing a lot of thinking and self-reflection - and I don't think I'm being completely fulfilled by the CPM (certified professional midwife) route. I love so many aspects, but I'd like to have access to the more medical aspects. What's nice is that after I finish this degree program (again, if I'm accepted); I could apply to a school like Frontier and enter their bridge program. Which allows for people who haven't chosen the prerequisite nursing route - to catch up. I'm still struggling with this decision, which is why I'm taking a break from the mandatory midwifery education. Meaning, I'm still staying up to date with the research, new information, and keeping my nose in midwifery texts.
Where am I in the application process for Union? Well, my application is in as well as my incredibly personal entrance essay. They asked me to discuss my personal history and why I am interested in such a unique program. It's been years since I've had to write anything on a collegiate level, and let's just say that my grammar was a little out-of-practice. Now, I'm waiting for transcripts to be processed from my three previous schools, which should cut down on the number of general education credits I need to fulfill. It's ridiculous how long it takes. You would think a person could simply hop online and order copies of their transcripts - no muss, no fuss, no technological hiccups. Unfortunately, that's precisely what happened. OU doesn't have an online transcript system, Tufts network screwed the process up and logged me out, and then cancelled the order without approval - leaving me with a 3.00 charge for nothing (they're getting a very angry call for me on Monday). SMFA is the closest to working accurately, however, now I have to wait for an off-line/snail mail form to arrive at the National Student Clearinghouse, to make sure they have my "official" okay to submit the transcript.
Oy.
I'm going to be writing about school, if I get accepted. I'm actually beyond excited, and completely driven. Maybe it's because I've actually found something I'm passionate about - or because I have a daughter, and she pushes me to be the best person I can be every day of my life. I'm anticipating taking a full-time, overburdened load (essentially taking as many courses as they, and our finances will allow) per semester. I can't believe I'm re-entering college at 23 - although, I have to remind myself that it still means I'm EXTREMELY young, just very accomplished.
I wanted to announce that I've decided to apply for the degree program at Union Institute & University. The focus is on maternal/child health - lactation consultation and education. What does this mean? That if I'm accepted, I'll be working towards a bachelors degree which will ultimately allow me to sit for the IBCLC (Internationally Board Certified Lactation Consultant) examination! Anyone who knows me, is fully aware that this is a big deal - I have an unwavering passion for breastfeeding and supporting breastfeeding Mamas. While I struggled with breastfeeding, I saw several IBCLCs, my experiences weren't positive - and completely disheartening. Not only am I determined to be at the top of my class (here comes miss narcissism) , but I'd like to pass the IBCLCE and focus in women with diagnosed cases of Insufficient Glandular Tissue.
What does this mean for my midwifery education? I've been doing a lot of thinking and self-reflection - and I don't think I'm being completely fulfilled by the CPM (certified professional midwife) route. I love so many aspects, but I'd like to have access to the more medical aspects. What's nice is that after I finish this degree program (again, if I'm accepted); I could apply to a school like Frontier and enter their bridge program. Which allows for people who haven't chosen the prerequisite nursing route - to catch up. I'm still struggling with this decision, which is why I'm taking a break from the mandatory midwifery education. Meaning, I'm still staying up to date with the research, new information, and keeping my nose in midwifery texts.
Where am I in the application process for Union? Well, my application is in as well as my incredibly personal entrance essay. They asked me to discuss my personal history and why I am interested in such a unique program. It's been years since I've had to write anything on a collegiate level, and let's just say that my grammar was a little out-of-practice. Now, I'm waiting for transcripts to be processed from my three previous schools, which should cut down on the number of general education credits I need to fulfill. It's ridiculous how long it takes. You would think a person could simply hop online and order copies of their transcripts - no muss, no fuss, no technological hiccups. Unfortunately, that's precisely what happened. OU doesn't have an online transcript system, Tufts network screwed the process up and logged me out, and then cancelled the order without approval - leaving me with a 3.00 charge for nothing (they're getting a very angry call for me on Monday). SMFA is the closest to working accurately, however, now I have to wait for an off-line/snail mail form to arrive at the National Student Clearinghouse, to make sure they have my "official" okay to submit the transcript.
Oy.
I'm going to be writing about school, if I get accepted. I'm actually beyond excited, and completely driven. Maybe it's because I've actually found something I'm passionate about - or because I have a daughter, and she pushes me to be the best person I can be every day of my life. I'm anticipating taking a full-time, overburdened load (essentially taking as many courses as they, and our finances will allow) per semester. I can't believe I'm re-entering college at 23 - although, I have to remind myself that it still means I'm EXTREMELY young, just very accomplished.
Going Vegan
So, it's been a little while since I last blogged - but the important thing is that I'm back at it.
I've been spending a lot of time scrounging the Internet for vegetarian and vegan recipes, it certainly has come with it's ups and downs. Not to mention experimenting with vegan foods, and racing to my local libraries to pick up vegan living books. Unfortunately, I've discovered that, unless you live in an urban area with veg-friendly grocery stores and restaurants - many of the recipe books aren't designed for you.
For instance, I recently read, "The Kind Diet". Filled with awesome information about how you can save the planet, and supposedly eat great while doing it. I say supposedly, because most of the ingredients listed in this book aren't available at your local Wal-Mart or Target (which is essentially, all that's available to me). Especially the "exotic" ingredients, umeboshi plums and tamari - just to name a few. Not to mention Alicia's commentary on people who have gluten intolerances, she claims that a true intolerance (such as Celiacs) is extremely uncommon (which is why the majority of her recipes INCLUDE a gluten-based product). In reality, Celiacs is one of the most underdiagnosed conditions in this country - and if not Celiacs, a large portion of our population has a minor gluten or dairy intolerance (not that dairy is an issue if you're going vegan). The other aspect that bothers me is the guilt issue. Yes, I'm talking about the animals being taken to slaughter. While it is true that the top of the totem pole at the USDA and FDA could really give two hoots about the condition of the animals we eat, and are ultimately "in bed" with the major processors of animal meats in this country, the veganism movement needs to back off.
Essentially, it's like trying to convert someone to your religion, by pointing out all of the issues another has. Are there abuses that go on in slaughterhouses? Yes, unequivocably yes. Are the animals we eat often mutilated during processing? Yes. Are the conditions they live in - on factory farms - horrific? YES! However, what few of these authors seem willing to accept is that true organic, free range farms are respectful of the animals they produce for food. When butchering and processing those animals - they are ended in the most humane ways possible. Supporting those farmers, in many cases, can support your local economy - which is an AWESOME thing to do. However, standing on your soapbox, ultimately leads people to rebel, nevermind if what you're doing is for their benefit (in my case, especially, I went vegan for health).
Back to my discovery of vegan foods; the wondrous thing about the vegan lifestyle is that a grocery store can quickly become a risk-taking experience. Starting in produce. Have you ever wandered through the produce department and wondered how to prepare certain vegetables? That's the brilliance of veganism. It presents opportunities to try something new - for instance, I had never eaten bok choy before. Thankfully, do to the wonders of Twitter and Pinterest, I had boundless suggestions on how to cook it! Which, is delicious sauteed in a stir fry.
I found myself with a cart overflowing, a rainbow of fruits and vegetables. Unfortunately, having lived in California for a short while, I desired west coast vegetation. Especially horned kiwi melons, and lychee seeds - seriously, if you ever have the opportunity to eat them, do it. What disgusts me about grocery shopping now, outside of walking through the meat department (because my partner still eats animal proteins), is the cost. Why is it, in this country, that you can have a cart FULL of Hamburger Helper, Wonder bread, and fried, frozen foods for a minimal amount - but can't get out of the store under 100.00 when you're focusing on fruits and veggies?
Anyway, I'd like to talk to you about a few awesome vegan foods - that I found locally (in my case, meaning under an hour away from my home). Let's start with Earth Balance Buttery Spread - it's dairy free, vegan margarine-esque spread. And, AWESOME. I sometimes feel like the Paula Deen of vegans - I freakin' love butter. Not to mention, so many beautiful cooked foods often contain it. I'm very picky when it comes to substitutions, and I won't lie to you about them. If it makes me gag, or tastes like bad nuts, I'm going to say it. However, this buttery spread is phenomenal. Your tastebuds won't know the difference - I'm not joking.
Moving onto Follow Your Heart's "Veganaise", which smells identically to Hellman's original mayonaise. It's taste is much less potent than it's non-vegan counterpart - and is an excellent addition to potato salad, sandwiches, whatever. In fact, I have an awesome potato salad recipe that I plan on adding to a future blog post (with pictures!).
Daiya vegan cheeses have been recommended to me on different occasions, I have to say this - raw, out of the bag Daiya, tastes like tree nuts that have gone sour. That being said, cooked Daiya, whether on tacos, pasta, anything you would normally put shredded cheese in - is decent. It's not going to mirror the exact taste of cheddar (in my case), but for now, it's closest I'm getting to dairy cheese.
What about you? Do you have any awesome suggestions for vegan swaps? What about cookbooks, blogs, or websites? I'm open to trying new foods, my only restriction is that they have to be readily available at average grocery stores. No Asian sea vegetables, no exotic roots/herbs/plants. Don't get me wrong - I would love to try them, they simply aren't available.
I've been spending a lot of time scrounging the Internet for vegetarian and vegan recipes, it certainly has come with it's ups and downs. Not to mention experimenting with vegan foods, and racing to my local libraries to pick up vegan living books. Unfortunately, I've discovered that, unless you live in an urban area with veg-friendly grocery stores and restaurants - many of the recipe books aren't designed for you.
For instance, I recently read, "The Kind Diet". Filled with awesome information about how you can save the planet, and supposedly eat great while doing it. I say supposedly, because most of the ingredients listed in this book aren't available at your local Wal-Mart or Target (which is essentially, all that's available to me). Especially the "exotic" ingredients, umeboshi plums and tamari - just to name a few. Not to mention Alicia's commentary on people who have gluten intolerances, she claims that a true intolerance (such as Celiacs) is extremely uncommon (which is why the majority of her recipes INCLUDE a gluten-based product). In reality, Celiacs is one of the most underdiagnosed conditions in this country - and if not Celiacs, a large portion of our population has a minor gluten or dairy intolerance (not that dairy is an issue if you're going vegan). The other aspect that bothers me is the guilt issue. Yes, I'm talking about the animals being taken to slaughter. While it is true that the top of the totem pole at the USDA and FDA could really give two hoots about the condition of the animals we eat, and are ultimately "in bed" with the major processors of animal meats in this country, the veganism movement needs to back off.
Essentially, it's like trying to convert someone to your religion, by pointing out all of the issues another has. Are there abuses that go on in slaughterhouses? Yes, unequivocably yes. Are the animals we eat often mutilated during processing? Yes. Are the conditions they live in - on factory farms - horrific? YES! However, what few of these authors seem willing to accept is that true organic, free range farms are respectful of the animals they produce for food. When butchering and processing those animals - they are ended in the most humane ways possible. Supporting those farmers, in many cases, can support your local economy - which is an AWESOME thing to do. However, standing on your soapbox, ultimately leads people to rebel, nevermind if what you're doing is for their benefit (in my case, especially, I went vegan for health).
Back to my discovery of vegan foods; the wondrous thing about the vegan lifestyle is that a grocery store can quickly become a risk-taking experience. Starting in produce. Have you ever wandered through the produce department and wondered how to prepare certain vegetables? That's the brilliance of veganism. It presents opportunities to try something new - for instance, I had never eaten bok choy before. Thankfully, do to the wonders of Twitter and Pinterest, I had boundless suggestions on how to cook it! Which, is delicious sauteed in a stir fry.
I found myself with a cart overflowing, a rainbow of fruits and vegetables. Unfortunately, having lived in California for a short while, I desired west coast vegetation. Especially horned kiwi melons, and lychee seeds - seriously, if you ever have the opportunity to eat them, do it. What disgusts me about grocery shopping now, outside of walking through the meat department (because my partner still eats animal proteins), is the cost. Why is it, in this country, that you can have a cart FULL of Hamburger Helper, Wonder bread, and fried, frozen foods for a minimal amount - but can't get out of the store under 100.00 when you're focusing on fruits and veggies?
Anyway, I'd like to talk to you about a few awesome vegan foods - that I found locally (in my case, meaning under an hour away from my home). Let's start with Earth Balance Buttery Spread - it's dairy free, vegan margarine-esque spread. And, AWESOME. I sometimes feel like the Paula Deen of vegans - I freakin' love butter. Not to mention, so many beautiful cooked foods often contain it. I'm very picky when it comes to substitutions, and I won't lie to you about them. If it makes me gag, or tastes like bad nuts, I'm going to say it. However, this buttery spread is phenomenal. Your tastebuds won't know the difference - I'm not joking.
Moving onto Follow Your Heart's "Veganaise", which smells identically to Hellman's original mayonaise. It's taste is much less potent than it's non-vegan counterpart - and is an excellent addition to potato salad, sandwiches, whatever. In fact, I have an awesome potato salad recipe that I plan on adding to a future blog post (with pictures!).
Daiya vegan cheeses have been recommended to me on different occasions, I have to say this - raw, out of the bag Daiya, tastes like tree nuts that have gone sour. That being said, cooked Daiya, whether on tacos, pasta, anything you would normally put shredded cheese in - is decent. It's not going to mirror the exact taste of cheddar (in my case), but for now, it's closest I'm getting to dairy cheese.
What about you? Do you have any awesome suggestions for vegan swaps? What about cookbooks, blogs, or websites? I'm open to trying new foods, my only restriction is that they have to be readily available at average grocery stores. No Asian sea vegetables, no exotic roots/herbs/plants. Don't get me wrong - I would love to try them, they simply aren't available.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Diagnoses & Adventures In Veganism
Ever since I gave birth, I've been having health issues. At first, I attributed it to my postpartum depression - the lethargy, no appetite, depression itself. Eventually, the smoke cleared (one day, it will for you too, if you're dealing with PPD), and I found myself still experiencing the symptoms and then some. During this time, I had contacted several physicians - including the primary OB/GYN on my cesarean section birth. She refused to see me, on different occasions, stating that it was pathological (which, for some women, pain can become pathological as a result of birth based trauma). Soon after, I found myself with an opening on my incision site - again, I was told this was pathological. Meaning, if I healed my emotional state - then my open incision would close, magically.
I'm not an imbecile, I'm well educated, AND I work in the medical field - technically. My pelvis was warm to the touch, swollen, red, and leaking fluid. I knew that I had an infection. Yet, my obstetrician refused to see me. Several local physicians refused giving care to me, because they weren't the surgeons who performed the cesarean. Eventually, I ended up driving almost two hours - to have a doctor tell me that I had the a severe bacterial infection occuring. I was prescribed antibiotics, and told to rest.
The infection, and my open incision healed. Yet, I was still having medical concerns. Vomiting and passing blood with no other indications, lethary, light headedness, blurred vision (on occasion), a sense of swelling and pressure in my abdomen, a constant metallic taste in my mouth, and the pain. Usually, when I experience pain, there's something serious happening internally - I know this, because I have an outrageously high pain threshold. For instance, when I had my c-section, I refused pain medication. I didn't need it - I was up and walking within minutes of my spinal block wearing off. So, I knew something was going on. Yet, every medical professional was essentially telling me that I was crazy.
I tried making appointments with many different physicians, all to be declined. Until two weeks ago - when the pain became so immense that I informed the receptionist that, "If you don't schedule me in, I'm likely to die for this pain and these symptoms - and that will be on YOUR conscience". It may have been an extremist tactic, but I was tired (literally and figuratively) of being ignored. I went in that day, and was first seen by a nurse - I explained all of my symptoms and the first thing out of her mouth was,
"Does anyone in your family have a history of colon cancer?"
Yes, you read that correctly. Bringing out the big guns, without any blood work or examinations. Ironically, colon cancer is the one of the only diseases that hasn't run through my family genetics. Breast, bone, lung, cervical cancer? Sure. Diabetes, mental diseases, suicide, renal failure, systemic organ shut down? Absolutely. And as of this point, I've been incredibly lucky - my weight has been my only issue. Even that isn't really a big deal - I'm unhappy with the size that I'm at, and feel unhealthy in that fashion, however, I have great cholesterol numbers, awesome blood pressure, no indications of being pre-diabetic or having heart disease. I'm thankful. However, I've also been waiting for the ball to drop in regard to my health.
So, they ordered blood work. A ton of it. Liver enzymes were high, but not to a point that it was concerning to the physician I saw - who actually took my symptoms seriously. My hemoglobin was awesome (14.8), hemocrit was fabulous, kidneys functions just fine, no high salt content. They still couldn't identify wear the bleeding was coming from, so I had a pelvic examination (fabulous), and a rectal examination (even better). They couldn't understand my symptoms, so the next step would be to get an internal picture. Meaning an ultrasound of my gallbladder, endoscopy, and colonoscopy, not to mention biopsies and samples taken for testing.
The next day I met with the surgeon, I was genuinely suprised at his bedside manner, kind, compassionate, and very forward about the range of things my symptoms were indicative of. Everything from a failing gallbladder to celiacs, to the big one - colon cancer (although that one is extremely rare, given my age, overall health, and sex). So, I prepared to be given an endoscopy.
The procedure itself is relatively easy - a scope with a camera goes down your throat and checks out your stomach and gallbladder. They would take a sample of my stomach acid, and a biopsy of my gallbladder - all said and done, they saw nothing unusual.
A week later, I received a colonoscopy. Which involves a lovely little thing called, "nuLytely", it's a bowel prep - a hospital-strength diuretic. It's an entire gallon of fluid, you mix it with water, and in my case add as much Crystal Light lemonade mix as you want to mask the intense salt taste. Lets just say that you spend hours with the bathroom as your new best friend, which is followed by not getting to eat or drink anything else. The procedure itself is as simply as the endoscopy, just going up the other direction. After making it through the procedure, I had the first of many diagnoses - diverticulitis. This is a severe inflammation of the intestines, which causes pockets in them, causing holes to occur (hence the bleeding) and allows for pieces of food to get trapped resulting in infections and severe discomfort. The biggest problem is that the medical community has no clear idea of what causes the inflammation - it could be stress, it could be spontaneous, or a severe food allergy (I'll get to that in a second).
The next diagnosis they discovered was a large quantity of white blood cells being sent to and inside of my gallbladder. Meaning disease/bacteria/infection of some kind. Thankfully, this isn't an organ that is essential to human living - it can be removed via a simple surgery.
Back to the potential food allergy. After being diagnosed with diverticulitis, I did a little research. The most likely culprits are intolerances to dairy and gluten - oh, great. Yes, neither of those are especially healthy or necessary (unless, in the case of gluten based foods, you're a caveman running around and burning off all of those calories) but I really enjoy the taste. Not to mention, that I've been having stomach issues with red meats ever since I gave birth. Now my plan is to eradicate these foods (slowly, as to not shock my system) and turn to a different type of nutritional lifestyle. I had been considering veganism for year, for philisophical and religious reasons (being Buddhist, vegetarianism is quite popular - that whole, no killing thing). Having these health concerns to back it up just threw another reason in my face - so, I'm making the venture towards veganism, starting with getting gluten and dairy out of my system.
Which, I started today, and I've only had one slip up - these awesome veggie dumplings from a local asian restaurant. Unfortunately, the wrapper has gluten in it, but I realized that after only eating two very small dumplings. I plan on documenting my trip into veganism - but I'd love to know if anyone has any suggestions on ways to make the transition easier? For once, I'm finally doing something for myself - rather than my motivation being my husband, or weight loss. I'm sick of being sick.
For the record, I'm still waiting to hear the results of the samples they've taken - I still don't know if I have colon cancer, or something equally serious. I get to wait around, and stress until the 6th.
I'd much rather deal with being vegan than cancer. Just saying.
I'm not an imbecile, I'm well educated, AND I work in the medical field - technically. My pelvis was warm to the touch, swollen, red, and leaking fluid. I knew that I had an infection. Yet, my obstetrician refused to see me. Several local physicians refused giving care to me, because they weren't the surgeons who performed the cesarean. Eventually, I ended up driving almost two hours - to have a doctor tell me that I had the a severe bacterial infection occuring. I was prescribed antibiotics, and told to rest.
The infection, and my open incision healed. Yet, I was still having medical concerns. Vomiting and passing blood with no other indications, lethary, light headedness, blurred vision (on occasion), a sense of swelling and pressure in my abdomen, a constant metallic taste in my mouth, and the pain. Usually, when I experience pain, there's something serious happening internally - I know this, because I have an outrageously high pain threshold. For instance, when I had my c-section, I refused pain medication. I didn't need it - I was up and walking within minutes of my spinal block wearing off. So, I knew something was going on. Yet, every medical professional was essentially telling me that I was crazy.
I tried making appointments with many different physicians, all to be declined. Until two weeks ago - when the pain became so immense that I informed the receptionist that, "If you don't schedule me in, I'm likely to die for this pain and these symptoms - and that will be on YOUR conscience". It may have been an extremist tactic, but I was tired (literally and figuratively) of being ignored. I went in that day, and was first seen by a nurse - I explained all of my symptoms and the first thing out of her mouth was,
"Does anyone in your family have a history of colon cancer?"
Yes, you read that correctly. Bringing out the big guns, without any blood work or examinations. Ironically, colon cancer is the one of the only diseases that hasn't run through my family genetics. Breast, bone, lung, cervical cancer? Sure. Diabetes, mental diseases, suicide, renal failure, systemic organ shut down? Absolutely. And as of this point, I've been incredibly lucky - my weight has been my only issue. Even that isn't really a big deal - I'm unhappy with the size that I'm at, and feel unhealthy in that fashion, however, I have great cholesterol numbers, awesome blood pressure, no indications of being pre-diabetic or having heart disease. I'm thankful. However, I've also been waiting for the ball to drop in regard to my health.
So, they ordered blood work. A ton of it. Liver enzymes were high, but not to a point that it was concerning to the physician I saw - who actually took my symptoms seriously. My hemoglobin was awesome (14.8), hemocrit was fabulous, kidneys functions just fine, no high salt content. They still couldn't identify wear the bleeding was coming from, so I had a pelvic examination (fabulous), and a rectal examination (even better). They couldn't understand my symptoms, so the next step would be to get an internal picture. Meaning an ultrasound of my gallbladder, endoscopy, and colonoscopy, not to mention biopsies and samples taken for testing.
The next day I met with the surgeon, I was genuinely suprised at his bedside manner, kind, compassionate, and very forward about the range of things my symptoms were indicative of. Everything from a failing gallbladder to celiacs, to the big one - colon cancer (although that one is extremely rare, given my age, overall health, and sex). So, I prepared to be given an endoscopy.
The procedure itself is relatively easy - a scope with a camera goes down your throat and checks out your stomach and gallbladder. They would take a sample of my stomach acid, and a biopsy of my gallbladder - all said and done, they saw nothing unusual.
A week later, I received a colonoscopy. Which involves a lovely little thing called, "nuLytely", it's a bowel prep - a hospital-strength diuretic. It's an entire gallon of fluid, you mix it with water, and in my case add as much Crystal Light lemonade mix as you want to mask the intense salt taste. Lets just say that you spend hours with the bathroom as your new best friend, which is followed by not getting to eat or drink anything else. The procedure itself is as simply as the endoscopy, just going up the other direction. After making it through the procedure, I had the first of many diagnoses - diverticulitis. This is a severe inflammation of the intestines, which causes pockets in them, causing holes to occur (hence the bleeding) and allows for pieces of food to get trapped resulting in infections and severe discomfort. The biggest problem is that the medical community has no clear idea of what causes the inflammation - it could be stress, it could be spontaneous, or a severe food allergy (I'll get to that in a second).
The next diagnosis they discovered was a large quantity of white blood cells being sent to and inside of my gallbladder. Meaning disease/bacteria/infection of some kind. Thankfully, this isn't an organ that is essential to human living - it can be removed via a simple surgery.
Back to the potential food allergy. After being diagnosed with diverticulitis, I did a little research. The most likely culprits are intolerances to dairy and gluten - oh, great. Yes, neither of those are especially healthy or necessary (unless, in the case of gluten based foods, you're a caveman running around and burning off all of those calories) but I really enjoy the taste. Not to mention, that I've been having stomach issues with red meats ever since I gave birth. Now my plan is to eradicate these foods (slowly, as to not shock my system) and turn to a different type of nutritional lifestyle. I had been considering veganism for year, for philisophical and religious reasons (being Buddhist, vegetarianism is quite popular - that whole, no killing thing). Having these health concerns to back it up just threw another reason in my face - so, I'm making the venture towards veganism, starting with getting gluten and dairy out of my system.
Which, I started today, and I've only had one slip up - these awesome veggie dumplings from a local asian restaurant. Unfortunately, the wrapper has gluten in it, but I realized that after only eating two very small dumplings. I plan on documenting my trip into veganism - but I'd love to know if anyone has any suggestions on ways to make the transition easier? For once, I'm finally doing something for myself - rather than my motivation being my husband, or weight loss. I'm sick of being sick.
For the record, I'm still waiting to hear the results of the samples they've taken - I still don't know if I have colon cancer, or something equally serious. I get to wait around, and stress until the 6th.
I'd much rather deal with being vegan than cancer. Just saying.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
On 13 Months - Breastfeeding, Donor Milk, and IGT
Most of you know my story, about being diagnosed with Insufficient Glandular Tissue.
I still go back and forth in my head about whether there was something I could have done differently, something that would have allowed me to breastfeed. Perhaps it was my poor diet (I'm working to change that), perhaps it my necessary cesarean section (for the rare, but life-threatening cervical bandls ring), perhaps I didn't try hard enough.
Scratch that, I knew that I had worked my butt off trying to breastfeed my daughter, exclusively.
For those of you who don't know my story, I'm going to share it now. Although, I'm going to attempt to shorten my experience - because it's complicated, and emotionally agonizing. It started pre-pregnancy, when we were just trying to conceive (which took eight months, although I wasn't charting anything or closely following my menstrual cycles, or basal body temperature). I knew, that I was going to give birth at home (although fully aware that there was a possibility of transfer). I knew that I was going to breastfeed (I knew of all the hurdles that a breastfeeding woman can experience, but not about IGT).
So, going on 42 weeks - I started having prodromal labor. Then, I started having actual labor. The entire process took 76+ hours (that's how much time my midwife, her assistant, and our doula was there, there are many more hours not accounted for). Around hour 72, we started to discuss the possibility of transferring for a c-section. My midwife gave me very few vaginal examinations throughout my labor - but she had noticed something unusual. Although I was 10 cm dilated, past my fully effaced and open cervix, there was a band. She described it as a rope-like band of scar tissue, it hadn't been there before this final check. So, she called as many midwives as she knew, and there was a consensus - a bandls ring. It's extremely rare, so uncommon in fact that we don't actually know the statistics on it (I discovered this postpartum, and I've become kind of well know for my knowledge base on this condition). It's unknown what causes it, too much weight, being underweight, too much salt, not enough salt, perhaps the cervix is just exhausted, maybe it's a matter of not enough electrolytes, all the what ifs that physicians, midwives, pregnant women had considered. Noone had an answer.
Thankfully, I had heard of this condition. I understood the risks, including completely bleeding out, infant distress, trauma, and demise. This meant one outcome, death - unless I gave birth by c-section. There have been two documented cases of women being able to birth vaginally when diagnosed with a bandls ring - knowing this postpartum (and knowing it today) I still would have chosen the c-section.
Fastforward to my recovery, my daughter was placed at my breast as soon as possible. She was slow to nurse, but once she came around - she really tried. I informed the nursing staff and the physicians that I wanted to see an IBCLC (Internationally Board Certified Lactation Consultant) as soon as they were available (which wouldn't be until about 8 a.m. that morning - she was born at 3 a.m.). One of the risks of birthing by c-section is the increased difficulty to breastfeeding, but I was determined to work through that.
We tried different nursing positions, I could tell she was receiving very little milk. There wasn't much output (urine), and she would fall asleep at my breast or get incredibly frustrated. I saw one of the two IBCLCs at the hospital (the second one was off during my stay there) - my experience was less than optimal. I was, almost initially, that not all women could breastfeed - and that was okay.
WHAT?
Here I was, a woman who considered herself fairly knowledgeable about breastfeeding - and an IBCLC was telling me, off the bat, that I may not be able to breastfeed. She made comments about my nipple size, areola size and coloring, that these things could all be hindrances. When my milk still had not come in, I began using a hospital grade pump - finally, some colostrum (after hours of pumping) appeared! It wasn't enough, she wasn't gaining any weight, and the pressure from the pediatrician on staff was immense. It was a matter of her gaining weight, or they would give her formula - which I would not consent to.
I had known about milk sharing, to a small degree. I knew about milk banks, and social organizations such as Eats On Feets & Human Milk For Human Babies. I also had a friend, at that time, who had offered me ounces of her frozen breast milk - when she offered initially, I had rejected it. I knew that my milk would come it, that our daughter would gain weight, that I would breastfeed exclusively until she self-weaned. When it wasn't coming in (still totally normal, especially since I was stressed about it not, thank you medical professionals), I accepted her offer. Instead of going straight to the bottle, we used an SNS (supplemental nursing system) - which most of the hospital staff had never heard of, let alone seen in use!
From the first moment, it was troublesome. The tape didn't want to stick, I couldn't get it connected right (meaning milk leaking everywhere). Since the milk was leaking, it loosened the tape, then it would just be a dangling tentacle hanging around my nipple. The other "problem" was that my infant was smart, she figured out 15 minutes in, the first day, that it was essentially a straw. She neglected both of my nipples for focusing directly at the tubes - phenomenal. We worked with the SNS for three days, around the clock, learning on our own since the IBCLC really didn't "get it". Different positions, different taping methods, alternating breasts. None of these methods worked - she only saw it as a straw.
We finally went home, where I went on nursing, around the clock, supplementing only when she expressed that she wasn't getting full. We bought a very expensive breast pump (we couldn't afford a hospital grade pump, and renting didn't seem cost effective at the time) - and I pumped, every 1.5 - 2 hours. Even when she didn't wake up during the middle of the night, I set an alarm, and I pumped. I power pumped, I attempted hand expressing the milk (which produced no results). I was averaging about an ounce, between both breasts. It was then that I started educating myself about galactagogues, herbal medicinals that claim to increase breast milk supply and breast tissue.
Everywhere I went, I was recommended to try fenugreek, which I took in copious amounts - all that resulted in was my skin smelling sickly sweet of maple syrup. However, I continued, I took that and goats rue and blessed thistle - I ordered "More Milk Plus" from the MotherLove Herbal Company, and took the maximum amount every single day. I was still trying to nurse around the clock, power pumping, and an oncoming case of postpartum depression. I would look at my infant, watch her attempt to nurse, fall asleep at my breast (either one), and then wake up screaming in hunger. I would cry myself to sleep, and cry while I was pumping, cry harder when I noticed that no drops were coming from my breasts - even though I was taking the maximum amount of galatagogues.
I spent hours on KellyMom, and Dr. Jack's breastfeeding website, not to mention different breastfeeding resources. I saw two out-of-hospital IBCLCS, who could not figure out why I wasn't producing, why my daughter wasn't gaining weight, even though I was doing everything "correctly". I spoke to friends who were successfully breastfeeding, especially those who first encountered problems (well known hurdles like plugged ducts, cracked nipples, even mastitis). They gave their best suggestions, but ultimately told me that I must not have been doing "enough". Even my midwife and her apprentic made it clear that I wasn't trying hard enough, eluding that I may have been lying about working my ass off to breastfeed. I tried every suggestion that was thrown at me, these were everything from drinking incredibly dark beer (which I later discovered was a misnomer and could actually decrease breast milk supply), eating raw oats, I made batches of "lactation cookies". I changed my diet and lifestyle, drank plenty of water (again, another misnomer).
Finally, I ordered a product called Domperidone, after learning about it through Dr. Jack's website - it took three weeks to arrive from New Zealand after going through Customs. I started taking it immediately, I knew that it could take from 48 hours to 12 weeks to notice a difference. After two weeks of no improvements, I increased my dosage. After another two weeks, I increased the dosage once again, and again after another two. I was taking the maximum amount and continued doing so for three months following. There was no difference, I wasn't increasing my production and I was still supplementing. Yet, I continued to attempt to breastfeed my daughter. I knew that any breast milk she was receiving from me was critical for a variety of reasons - I refused to use formula.
On that note, I have always been thankful that I'm relatively educated about breastfeeding and about "booby traps" (especially since organizations like Best For Babes came into fruition). During my pregnancy, a dear friend gave me a baby shower where the one thing that I requested was no formula, pacifiers, etc. Frustratingly, a woman who I had considered a friend at that time decided that she would gift me formula anyway - her reasoning, I later discovered, was because she had experienced difficult in breastfeeding and later gave up trying. I hid the formula in a cabinet we never use and completely forgot about it until we started doing out "spring cleaning" months later (it had expired by that point).
The breast milk I had currently been supplementing with came from close friends, beautiful and gracious, giving women who loved breastfeeding but had an oversupply. Some of it came from a town over (still about a 35 minute drive for us) - other times it came from Lincoln or Omaha (a minimum, 2.5 hour drive, one way). However, I was determined not to use formula - my daughter would have breastmilk, regardless of how much it cost or the stress of finding it.
I would find a way.
At four months postpartum, entrenched in postpartum depression, I realized that I had begun to resent my body. I had been searching endlessly for answers - but no one seemed to understand what was wrong with me. I finally discovered an organization, in Omaha, that had a doctor that specialized in diagnosing breastfeeding issues. I made an appointment immediately, and drove the 3.5 hours in complete anxiousness - even when I arrived the other people on staff told me there was nothing wrong with me. My daughter was gaining weight. What they didn't seem to grasp was the concept that my supplementing had turned into a full-on dependency. She had stopped nursing from me, had become unwilling to, even though I always offered my breasts first. She would look at them, then gaze at me, she would snuggle against me, and then scream.
So, when the time came to see the physician I was hesitant - if the other people on staff were unwilling to listen - what the physicians response be? Yet, I was suprised. She was more than listening, she took me seriously, and she wanted to do some testing. Having my hormones checked was the first step - where it was discovered that I was making less prolactin than some men. No wonder I wasn't producing, somewhere along the line, I hadn't developed enough breast tissue to take on the demanding relationship of breastfeeding exclusively. Where did this leave me? The physician made it clear that I should continue to try and breastfeed, any amount, no matter how small, that came directly from me was benefitial.
The next step was finding more donors, and getting off the galactagogues. I stopped taking them, all of them, at five months. Domperidone and More Milk Plus were expensive - at least in amount that I had to order them in. I had already quit eating the supply-increasing foods, and had stopped drinking the dark beer (especially after my discovery of it being incorrect). I had a few local donors, who only asked to be reimbursed for the bags they were using to pump into - not a problem, breast milk bags are relatively inexpensive.
I began connecting to my state's chapter of EOF and HM4HB - there weren't many women there, but a few who hadn't found people to donate to. I still considered this local, because I didn't have to ship. Gas is expensive, but not near as expensive as shipping across state lines. My husband and I bought a standing deep freezer for all the breast milk we were getting, another expensive purchase (but we had nowhere else to put the ounces). All of these things kept adding up, not to mention that my daughter had a bottomless pit as a stomach, she was going through 50 ounces daily at one time. No mother I had met or connected with could keep up with that type of need. Don't get me wrong, every donation matters - but to be honest, most mothers who breastfeed and pump because of an oversupply don't realize how much breast milk a child can eat in a day. So, when we would get an offer of 50 ounces - to that mother, it was a LOT (and is for most people) - but for our daughter, it was only a days' worth.
It was then, that I started looking outside my state, into Kansas, North & South Dakota, Utah, Oklahoma - and found more mothers. I would ask the mothers who had offers available about their lifestyles, whether they used drugs (either prescription or illicit), drank, smoked, etc. There were many times that I regretfully had to reject and offer with a mom I had connected to because she was on a prescription medication (often it was postpartum depression or thyroid conditions). Thankfully, there were connections, but then came the task of explaining shipping. Assisting this mom in finding a postal service that would "allow" her to ship breast milk, finding dry ice, and then reimbursing them for all of this - everything included, shipping costs ranged from 25.00 to over 500.00.
All together, we have shipped from KS, ND, SD, UT, CO, TX, CT, ME, FL, CA, WA, OK, PA and more (I frankly don't remember all the places that our milk has come from) not to mention an international delivery from Canada. I have met some amazing women, and shared my story in hopes to educate people about Insufficient Glandular Tissue (many women and healthcare professionals don't think that this condition actually exists). I have learned so much about the nature of breastfeeding, and have found that many women (even IBCLCs) come to me for answers - which I am humbled by. I never thought, even though I'm currently pursuing getting my own IBCLC (along every other birth related thing that I do) I would be that woman. Relying on donor milk has been incredibly expensive (we've spent in the thousands at this point) and has left me with a lot of stress, migraines, and fear about the future. Will I experience IGT with my next infant? I surely hope not, but I know that I will work just as hard - if not harder (should I discover another way to work through IGT) for that child.
It has also come with a certain amount of stigma attached. At this point, I hope you're still reading - because I feel like there are some very important things that "lactivists" and others need to know. Women do not deserve to be harassed for their feeding choices. There are women who choose not to breastfeed, for a variety of reasons, because they are uneducated, afraid, because they have been led to believe that formula feeding is easier (which, in my case, it would have been). In some cases, it is because they have been the victims and survivors of trauma or abuse and breastfeeding can bring flashbacks. Or, perhaps they simply don't want to. Frankly, that's their decision to make - every woman makes the decision she feels is best for her child. There are women who surrender to breastfeeding and turn to formula, and there are women - like me - who genuinely cannot breastfeed. You are not in the position of privilege to tell her that she didn't try hard enough, instead, you should support whatever amount of breastfeeding - OR NOT - that she did. If she wasn't breastfeeding, it doesn't mean that she loves her child less, she simply made a different decision regarding parenting than you did.
In my experience of IGT, I have villified, and attacked by people I have never met (thank you, Internet) for not "trying hard enough". I have been made to feel ashamed by my inability to breastfeed, and I have found that many women made assumptions about my level of education when they discover I wasn't breastfeeding exclusively. I consider myself an "assisted exclusive breastfeeding mother", because I HAVE done all the work that a breastfeeding mother has done, and I feel that I have the same relationship with my daughter that exclusively breastfeeding mothers do.
One day, I hope to share my journey with my daughter.
As we close the 13 month gap, I've noticed that my daughter is beginning to self-wean. This means many things, the first is that we are coming to the beginning of the end of this stressful, emotional, and fulfilling relationship. For me, it also means that I made it to my goal - that I would breastfeed my daughter until she decided to stop.
We made it.
I still go back and forth in my head about whether there was something I could have done differently, something that would have allowed me to breastfeed. Perhaps it was my poor diet (I'm working to change that), perhaps it my necessary cesarean section (for the rare, but life-threatening cervical bandls ring), perhaps I didn't try hard enough.
Scratch that, I knew that I had worked my butt off trying to breastfeed my daughter, exclusively.
For those of you who don't know my story, I'm going to share it now. Although, I'm going to attempt to shorten my experience - because it's complicated, and emotionally agonizing. It started pre-pregnancy, when we were just trying to conceive (which took eight months, although I wasn't charting anything or closely following my menstrual cycles, or basal body temperature). I knew, that I was going to give birth at home (although fully aware that there was a possibility of transfer). I knew that I was going to breastfeed (I knew of all the hurdles that a breastfeeding woman can experience, but not about IGT).
So, going on 42 weeks - I started having prodromal labor. Then, I started having actual labor. The entire process took 76+ hours (that's how much time my midwife, her assistant, and our doula was there, there are many more hours not accounted for). Around hour 72, we started to discuss the possibility of transferring for a c-section. My midwife gave me very few vaginal examinations throughout my labor - but she had noticed something unusual. Although I was 10 cm dilated, past my fully effaced and open cervix, there was a band. She described it as a rope-like band of scar tissue, it hadn't been there before this final check. So, she called as many midwives as she knew, and there was a consensus - a bandls ring. It's extremely rare, so uncommon in fact that we don't actually know the statistics on it (I discovered this postpartum, and I've become kind of well know for my knowledge base on this condition). It's unknown what causes it, too much weight, being underweight, too much salt, not enough salt, perhaps the cervix is just exhausted, maybe it's a matter of not enough electrolytes, all the what ifs that physicians, midwives, pregnant women had considered. Noone had an answer.
Thankfully, I had heard of this condition. I understood the risks, including completely bleeding out, infant distress, trauma, and demise. This meant one outcome, death - unless I gave birth by c-section. There have been two documented cases of women being able to birth vaginally when diagnosed with a bandls ring - knowing this postpartum (and knowing it today) I still would have chosen the c-section.
Fastforward to my recovery, my daughter was placed at my breast as soon as possible. She was slow to nurse, but once she came around - she really tried. I informed the nursing staff and the physicians that I wanted to see an IBCLC (Internationally Board Certified Lactation Consultant) as soon as they were available (which wouldn't be until about 8 a.m. that morning - she was born at 3 a.m.). One of the risks of birthing by c-section is the increased difficulty to breastfeeding, but I was determined to work through that.
We tried different nursing positions, I could tell she was receiving very little milk. There wasn't much output (urine), and she would fall asleep at my breast or get incredibly frustrated. I saw one of the two IBCLCs at the hospital (the second one was off during my stay there) - my experience was less than optimal. I was, almost initially, that not all women could breastfeed - and that was okay.
WHAT?
Here I was, a woman who considered herself fairly knowledgeable about breastfeeding - and an IBCLC was telling me, off the bat, that I may not be able to breastfeed. She made comments about my nipple size, areola size and coloring, that these things could all be hindrances. When my milk still had not come in, I began using a hospital grade pump - finally, some colostrum (after hours of pumping) appeared! It wasn't enough, she wasn't gaining any weight, and the pressure from the pediatrician on staff was immense. It was a matter of her gaining weight, or they would give her formula - which I would not consent to.
I had known about milk sharing, to a small degree. I knew about milk banks, and social organizations such as Eats On Feets & Human Milk For Human Babies. I also had a friend, at that time, who had offered me ounces of her frozen breast milk - when she offered initially, I had rejected it. I knew that my milk would come it, that our daughter would gain weight, that I would breastfeed exclusively until she self-weaned. When it wasn't coming in (still totally normal, especially since I was stressed about it not, thank you medical professionals), I accepted her offer. Instead of going straight to the bottle, we used an SNS (supplemental nursing system) - which most of the hospital staff had never heard of, let alone seen in use!
From the first moment, it was troublesome. The tape didn't want to stick, I couldn't get it connected right (meaning milk leaking everywhere). Since the milk was leaking, it loosened the tape, then it would just be a dangling tentacle hanging around my nipple. The other "problem" was that my infant was smart, she figured out 15 minutes in, the first day, that it was essentially a straw. She neglected both of my nipples for focusing directly at the tubes - phenomenal. We worked with the SNS for three days, around the clock, learning on our own since the IBCLC really didn't "get it". Different positions, different taping methods, alternating breasts. None of these methods worked - she only saw it as a straw.
We finally went home, where I went on nursing, around the clock, supplementing only when she expressed that she wasn't getting full. We bought a very expensive breast pump (we couldn't afford a hospital grade pump, and renting didn't seem cost effective at the time) - and I pumped, every 1.5 - 2 hours. Even when she didn't wake up during the middle of the night, I set an alarm, and I pumped. I power pumped, I attempted hand expressing the milk (which produced no results). I was averaging about an ounce, between both breasts. It was then that I started educating myself about galactagogues, herbal medicinals that claim to increase breast milk supply and breast tissue.
Everywhere I went, I was recommended to try fenugreek, which I took in copious amounts - all that resulted in was my skin smelling sickly sweet of maple syrup. However, I continued, I took that and goats rue and blessed thistle - I ordered "More Milk Plus" from the MotherLove Herbal Company, and took the maximum amount every single day. I was still trying to nurse around the clock, power pumping, and an oncoming case of postpartum depression. I would look at my infant, watch her attempt to nurse, fall asleep at my breast (either one), and then wake up screaming in hunger. I would cry myself to sleep, and cry while I was pumping, cry harder when I noticed that no drops were coming from my breasts - even though I was taking the maximum amount of galatagogues.
I spent hours on KellyMom, and Dr. Jack's breastfeeding website, not to mention different breastfeeding resources. I saw two out-of-hospital IBCLCS, who could not figure out why I wasn't producing, why my daughter wasn't gaining weight, even though I was doing everything "correctly". I spoke to friends who were successfully breastfeeding, especially those who first encountered problems (well known hurdles like plugged ducts, cracked nipples, even mastitis). They gave their best suggestions, but ultimately told me that I must not have been doing "enough". Even my midwife and her apprentic made it clear that I wasn't trying hard enough, eluding that I may have been lying about working my ass off to breastfeed. I tried every suggestion that was thrown at me, these were everything from drinking incredibly dark beer (which I later discovered was a misnomer and could actually decrease breast milk supply), eating raw oats, I made batches of "lactation cookies". I changed my diet and lifestyle, drank plenty of water (again, another misnomer).
Finally, I ordered a product called Domperidone, after learning about it through Dr. Jack's website - it took three weeks to arrive from New Zealand after going through Customs. I started taking it immediately, I knew that it could take from 48 hours to 12 weeks to notice a difference. After two weeks of no improvements, I increased my dosage. After another two weeks, I increased the dosage once again, and again after another two. I was taking the maximum amount and continued doing so for three months following. There was no difference, I wasn't increasing my production and I was still supplementing. Yet, I continued to attempt to breastfeed my daughter. I knew that any breast milk she was receiving from me was critical for a variety of reasons - I refused to use formula.
On that note, I have always been thankful that I'm relatively educated about breastfeeding and about "booby traps" (especially since organizations like Best For Babes came into fruition). During my pregnancy, a dear friend gave me a baby shower where the one thing that I requested was no formula, pacifiers, etc. Frustratingly, a woman who I had considered a friend at that time decided that she would gift me formula anyway - her reasoning, I later discovered, was because she had experienced difficult in breastfeeding and later gave up trying. I hid the formula in a cabinet we never use and completely forgot about it until we started doing out "spring cleaning" months later (it had expired by that point).
The breast milk I had currently been supplementing with came from close friends, beautiful and gracious, giving women who loved breastfeeding but had an oversupply. Some of it came from a town over (still about a 35 minute drive for us) - other times it came from Lincoln or Omaha (a minimum, 2.5 hour drive, one way). However, I was determined not to use formula - my daughter would have breastmilk, regardless of how much it cost or the stress of finding it.
I would find a way.
At four months postpartum, entrenched in postpartum depression, I realized that I had begun to resent my body. I had been searching endlessly for answers - but no one seemed to understand what was wrong with me. I finally discovered an organization, in Omaha, that had a doctor that specialized in diagnosing breastfeeding issues. I made an appointment immediately, and drove the 3.5 hours in complete anxiousness - even when I arrived the other people on staff told me there was nothing wrong with me. My daughter was gaining weight. What they didn't seem to grasp was the concept that my supplementing had turned into a full-on dependency. She had stopped nursing from me, had become unwilling to, even though I always offered my breasts first. She would look at them, then gaze at me, she would snuggle against me, and then scream.
So, when the time came to see the physician I was hesitant - if the other people on staff were unwilling to listen - what the physicians response be? Yet, I was suprised. She was more than listening, she took me seriously, and she wanted to do some testing. Having my hormones checked was the first step - where it was discovered that I was making less prolactin than some men. No wonder I wasn't producing, somewhere along the line, I hadn't developed enough breast tissue to take on the demanding relationship of breastfeeding exclusively. Where did this leave me? The physician made it clear that I should continue to try and breastfeed, any amount, no matter how small, that came directly from me was benefitial.
The next step was finding more donors, and getting off the galactagogues. I stopped taking them, all of them, at five months. Domperidone and More Milk Plus were expensive - at least in amount that I had to order them in. I had already quit eating the supply-increasing foods, and had stopped drinking the dark beer (especially after my discovery of it being incorrect). I had a few local donors, who only asked to be reimbursed for the bags they were using to pump into - not a problem, breast milk bags are relatively inexpensive.
I began connecting to my state's chapter of EOF and HM4HB - there weren't many women there, but a few who hadn't found people to donate to. I still considered this local, because I didn't have to ship. Gas is expensive, but not near as expensive as shipping across state lines. My husband and I bought a standing deep freezer for all the breast milk we were getting, another expensive purchase (but we had nowhere else to put the ounces). All of these things kept adding up, not to mention that my daughter had a bottomless pit as a stomach, she was going through 50 ounces daily at one time. No mother I had met or connected with could keep up with that type of need. Don't get me wrong, every donation matters - but to be honest, most mothers who breastfeed and pump because of an oversupply don't realize how much breast milk a child can eat in a day. So, when we would get an offer of 50 ounces - to that mother, it was a LOT (and is for most people) - but for our daughter, it was only a days' worth.
It was then, that I started looking outside my state, into Kansas, North & South Dakota, Utah, Oklahoma - and found more mothers. I would ask the mothers who had offers available about their lifestyles, whether they used drugs (either prescription or illicit), drank, smoked, etc. There were many times that I regretfully had to reject and offer with a mom I had connected to because she was on a prescription medication (often it was postpartum depression or thyroid conditions). Thankfully, there were connections, but then came the task of explaining shipping. Assisting this mom in finding a postal service that would "allow" her to ship breast milk, finding dry ice, and then reimbursing them for all of this - everything included, shipping costs ranged from 25.00 to over 500.00.
All together, we have shipped from KS, ND, SD, UT, CO, TX, CT, ME, FL, CA, WA, OK, PA and more (I frankly don't remember all the places that our milk has come from) not to mention an international delivery from Canada. I have met some amazing women, and shared my story in hopes to educate people about Insufficient Glandular Tissue (many women and healthcare professionals don't think that this condition actually exists). I have learned so much about the nature of breastfeeding, and have found that many women (even IBCLCs) come to me for answers - which I am humbled by. I never thought, even though I'm currently pursuing getting my own IBCLC (along every other birth related thing that I do) I would be that woman. Relying on donor milk has been incredibly expensive (we've spent in the thousands at this point) and has left me with a lot of stress, migraines, and fear about the future. Will I experience IGT with my next infant? I surely hope not, but I know that I will work just as hard - if not harder (should I discover another way to work through IGT) for that child.
It has also come with a certain amount of stigma attached. At this point, I hope you're still reading - because I feel like there are some very important things that "lactivists" and others need to know. Women do not deserve to be harassed for their feeding choices. There are women who choose not to breastfeed, for a variety of reasons, because they are uneducated, afraid, because they have been led to believe that formula feeding is easier (which, in my case, it would have been). In some cases, it is because they have been the victims and survivors of trauma or abuse and breastfeeding can bring flashbacks. Or, perhaps they simply don't want to. Frankly, that's their decision to make - every woman makes the decision she feels is best for her child. There are women who surrender to breastfeeding and turn to formula, and there are women - like me - who genuinely cannot breastfeed. You are not in the position of privilege to tell her that she didn't try hard enough, instead, you should support whatever amount of breastfeeding - OR NOT - that she did. If she wasn't breastfeeding, it doesn't mean that she loves her child less, she simply made a different decision regarding parenting than you did.
In my experience of IGT, I have villified, and attacked by people I have never met (thank you, Internet) for not "trying hard enough". I have been made to feel ashamed by my inability to breastfeed, and I have found that many women made assumptions about my level of education when they discover I wasn't breastfeeding exclusively. I consider myself an "assisted exclusive breastfeeding mother", because I HAVE done all the work that a breastfeeding mother has done, and I feel that I have the same relationship with my daughter that exclusively breastfeeding mothers do.
One day, I hope to share my journey with my daughter.
As we close the 13 month gap, I've noticed that my daughter is beginning to self-wean. This means many things, the first is that we are coming to the beginning of the end of this stressful, emotional, and fulfilling relationship. For me, it also means that I made it to my goal - that I would breastfeed my daughter until she decided to stop.
We made it.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Beginning
Frankly, I'm really awful at blogging.
That's probably why I have a Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, and Tumblr (yes, I'm aware the last counts as blogging). Those are ways of expressing my ideas without having to commit to an audience - without feeling as though there is some necessity to write on a regular basis. It seems though I have much more to say than my 140 character alotment.
Where to begin is the most difficult portion.
Perhaps an introduction. I'm Ashely.
See, that sort of writing makes me feel inane.
I'm a happily married, queer mother of one. An activist, radical queer feminist, and birth worker. Meaning, I believe that all persons regardless of gender, sex, sociocultural statuses, appearance, race, religious identity should be treated differently from one another. I'm studying to be a midwife, although I bounce back and forth between nurse midwifery and professional midwifery (currently pursuing the latter route). I'm polyamorous, and yes, I realize that it's not for everyone. Although, I'm not currently dating anyone other than my primary - even though I have offers.
I'm about to take on running, in hopes of becoming healthy. I currently weigh 195 but started at 250+, my heaviest weight to date. I've gone from eating fast food 4 - 6 days of the week, to cooking (almost exclusively) at home. I have a severe caffeine dependency, although I'm working on that too.
This space is about taking on motherhood, and expecting the unexpected. If you had asked me six years ago, if I would be one of those homebirthing, cloth diapering, breastfeeding, non-vaccinating, (list going on and on here) mothers - I probably would have laughed at you, and then went to get high. I'm a much different person than I was in high school. I'm hoping you'll learn that.
I'm likely going to vent, present research articles, and share recipes.
I hope you'll stick this out with me, as I commit to something greater than 140 characters.
Lets begin with brevity.
That's probably why I have a Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest, and Tumblr (yes, I'm aware the last counts as blogging). Those are ways of expressing my ideas without having to commit to an audience - without feeling as though there is some necessity to write on a regular basis. It seems though I have much more to say than my 140 character alotment.
Where to begin is the most difficult portion.
Perhaps an introduction. I'm Ashely.
See, that sort of writing makes me feel inane.
I'm a happily married, queer mother of one. An activist, radical queer feminist, and birth worker. Meaning, I believe that all persons regardless of gender, sex, sociocultural statuses, appearance, race, religious identity should be treated differently from one another. I'm studying to be a midwife, although I bounce back and forth between nurse midwifery and professional midwifery (currently pursuing the latter route). I'm polyamorous, and yes, I realize that it's not for everyone. Although, I'm not currently dating anyone other than my primary - even though I have offers.
I'm about to take on running, in hopes of becoming healthy. I currently weigh 195 but started at 250+, my heaviest weight to date. I've gone from eating fast food 4 - 6 days of the week, to cooking (almost exclusively) at home. I have a severe caffeine dependency, although I'm working on that too.
This space is about taking on motherhood, and expecting the unexpected. If you had asked me six years ago, if I would be one of those homebirthing, cloth diapering, breastfeeding, non-vaccinating, (list going on and on here) mothers - I probably would have laughed at you, and then went to get high. I'm a much different person than I was in high school. I'm hoping you'll learn that.
I'm likely going to vent, present research articles, and share recipes.
I hope you'll stick this out with me, as I commit to something greater than 140 characters.
Lets begin with brevity.
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